Reaffirming Submission – Part II

Well, that last post was a little random. It didn’t exactly go where I thought I was headed at first. The re-write was totally different than the original. Therefore, I’m back again to talk more about reaffirming submission… of which expanding the role of my feminization is just part. You can thank Domina for the subject title.

As our loyal reader will surely know, we did just about zero posting over the summer. While there are a few causes in the mix, the big one is that we did a break of the D/s for a few months. A lot happened in that time. Without going into the interpersonal drama, the stress was too much and unfortunately all on my end. (if you are interested in that part of our story we will share it but it’s more wrangling with my children’s mother, slow progress on seeing that we can live together, unbelievable court rulings, and working around my child who was kicked out of her mother’s nearly a year ago now… for whom I still pay support for… nuff said?)

So to make a long story short we took a break at Domina’s direction until things would improve. We still were in love and we dated. But as far as the D/s goes, we gave it a break. However, it left an imprint and would be a part of the void we felt during this upcoming time. For about two months I was free to masturbate as much as I wanted. In a way I was like a kid in the candy store. I got myself off every day or two. The liberty came with very mixed emotions. On the one hand, it was good. I wasn’t a horny wreck any more. For the first time in a long time I felt freedom from sexual tension and went about my business physically relaxed. On the other hand, I was ashamed. It didn’t feel right cumming without permission all the time. It had become deeply engrained in our relationship that while Domina was free to masturbate herself, it was a form of cheating on my behalf if I did it. It steals away from the sexual and submissive energy that I could channel to her benefit. And so during this hiatus, Domina began asking me quite frequently… “Did you get off today?” “When was the last time you had an orgasm?” The guilt welled up from inside me as I would stammer out my answer and express my shame. But Domina would simply say, “I see. Well you can’t be feeling too guilty because you are still doing it. That’s ok. You are free to do what you want right now.”

Domina would also ask if I was still wearing panties. The answer was no. I wore them the a few days because it was all I had available, but was soon remedied. A far cry from where I am today, I had no interest in being feminized. As I said in my last post, I don’t have a cross dressing fetish. It something I crave as I fall into submission and I did not feel submissive in the least. I was sexually at ease, taking care of business, and feeling independently strong. But still the nagging feeling kept eating at me when I would take care of myself… I’m cheating. This went on for maybe a month. Finally one night I got home from a date with Domina and we chatted on the phone before bed and she asked me as usual, “When was the last time you came?”

The conversation was the same. I divulged it had been about two days but I still felt like I was cheating.

Domina replied, “You say you feel like you are cheating, but you can stop yourself at any time, right?”

“Right”, I admitted. I was ‘free’ but she made sure I was ashamed for taking liberties. I tried to deflect the shame by asking her when she last had an orgasm. She answered me, but there was no guilt on her end. She is always ‘free’ to cum under any circumstance. I was the only one to have anything to be ashamed of. To make matters worse, it had been almost a week for her. So not only had I cum more recently than her, but I had also done it a few times. I was really feeling ashamed now. I didn’t want to be a cheater, but I needed a nudge. I needed something to hold onto. So I did the best thing I could think of. I asked, “Would you like me to stop?”

I think Domina knew I just needed some tiny reinforcement to hang my hat on and give me strength. To say the least, I didn’t exactly get a supportive pat on the back. What I received was more like a kick in the pants. “You know how I feel about you getting yourself off. You say you love me and want to be with me. If you love and respect me you’ll wait.”

I professed my love. I felt horrible because the clear implication was that I had been disrespectful. I pledged I would ween myself off of cumming and that I needed her guidance but she still wasn’t taking control of me. Within a second of swearing off my cumming binge before her, I was hard and already sexually frustrated. I admitted I couldn’t do it alone and asked if she would help me. She lovingly said she would.

So there you go… that’s how Domina and I take a break. We went about a month where I went crazy with liberties but I wanted more to be in her loving control. I swore off cumming to prove my devotion and respect. About a month later we recommitted to our relationship full swing. We had some court dates to resolve some issues about the children and our abilities to be together. They didn’t resolve the issues out there yet, but did resolve that we wanted more to be together. Day one of the recommitment saw a strong Domina bounce right into the frey to get things back on course.

“Tomorrow you will start wearing your panties again. Do you understand?” With an affirmative on my part, she didn’t stop there. “I’ve been very lenient with you in the past. I’ve let things slide. Not anymore. I have a zero tolerance policy on disobedience now.” I’ve been pretty good about walking the line though not perfect. I’ve had one beating with a hairbrush, and as described earlier, I had to swear off wearing shorts the month before last because I had to start shaving my legs. Then again, as far as Domina is concerned, I’m ‘free’ to wear shorts to play racquetball and football any time I choose to if I want.

So to make a long story short, we still have the pressures of family and work beating down on us. But we are stepping up our efforts to be together as a team. And yes we are using our D/s lifestyle to further our intimacy and be a part of building that team up. In reaffirming my submission I’m vowing to strive toward deeper levels of obedience and love.

Reaffirming Submission – Part I

I’ve written this post a few times. The delay in getting the post up seems to allow for more things to discuss and share with you. I’m not overly concerned with the rework. As I sit here at my desk I am in a hyper sexual and submissive state of mind. While these feelings work to feed off each other, they are two completely different forces working in concert to drive me crazy. Hyper sexual I’m sure you are all familiar with. It just seems like a more articulate way of expressing the fact that I’m horny as get all. And why shouldn’t I be? I’m not enjoying the luxury of an orgasm but about once every month or two. Likewise, I am here naked with an erection. So therefore I’m trying to ignore my pent up frustrations by keeping myself engaged with this little literary excursion.

Hyper submission, though different, has similar characteristics. It is also based on a pent up frustration. I’m yearning to serve my Mistress. And while it is pleasurable to complete my chore lists for her that offers some modicum level of relief, I’m not just thinking about making the bed and taking out the trash. I’m talking about the naked at her feet, use me any which way you want, kinds of submissive expression… squirm

Our dear patient reader, you will please bear with what may be a train of thought that is all over the place. My mind has been rather transfixed on our most recent of adventures. As my eyes scan down my naked body these days I don’t very well recognize myself. Other than the penis between my legs, it looks it looks more and more like a woman’s body than my own these days. It all started a few weeks ago when my beautiful Mistress was unhappy with some of my communication efforts. The punishment… shave my legs nice and smooth. Of course we have engaged in this before, but it was last year in the heart of winter. But to Mistress’ amusement, as I’ve been active in sports this fall, I’ve been scrambling around finding the best ways to conceal that fact that I now regularly keep my legs clean of hair. (as if wearing panties to play flag football isn’t dangerous enough) And as of this past weekend, now that she deems there to be no need for me to go barefoot anymore, I am now keeping my toenails painted. We often have a pedicure night, but this would be the first time that she did the labor and I was the recipient. My lovely Mistress was beautiful to watch. She was very meticulous as she went about her work. Not used to having my feet touched, they are quite sensitive. While I sat there trying not to twitch, my cock would every so often stand up and wave itself in the air. I’m sure I was blushing, worried that she would look up from her work to see that I was getting such wood from the loving attention I was receiving by her gentle attempt to pretty my feet up.

At the conclusion of that most erotic time, the hairless parts of my body have since been directed to expand even further. I have been acutely aware every day since then that I am truly becoming a feminized man. I go to work and look absolutely the same. I used to jest how I modeled my appearance on the Marlboro man. Rugged isn’t really the word to describe me, but my scruffy look wrapped up in a dapper suit gives off no hint of what is behind the visual facade. The truth is I wear panties and a garter, shave my body and paint my nails. As these rituals take deeper and deeper root, I have recently called to question ‘what am I really concealing’? Am I hiding the kinky things that we engage in or the real nature of what I am becoming? To be honest, unlike earlier experiences we’ve shared, I feel like what we are doing is much more transformational. It feels deeply more serious this time and I will not be able to turn it back. We are in the infant steps of something new for which I will have little control over.

Now I know what you are thinking, but the truth is I don’t have a cross dressing fetish. I’ve never been in the closet about women’s clothing. I’ve not engaged in anything like this prior to our relationship. So do you want to understand the real allure of it all? Well, I’ll try to explain. The simple truth is I would be mortified before my family, friends, and co-workers. And there is my powerful Mistress holding the strings. She has the power to expose me. It is like standing naked on the precipice overlooking the village in the valley down below. No one sees me up here, but there is my sweet Mistress down below. She doesn’t call me out though she could, but every now and then she will point me out to someone and they will witness my loving humility… and embarrassment.

The scary part of it all is I have few object to any of it. Indeed, I encourage and want ever more of it now. Last night Domina said she wanted to pick out a pretty anklet for me to start wearing. I got hard at the sweetness of her gesture. I embarrassed myself because I’ve crossed the threshold. I have to admit I enjoy being feminized by her as much and as far as possible. It’s no longer just a kink, it’s giving over more control. I think that’s what I mean when I say this is a transitional phase. We’ve passed the experimental play of just wearing panties. This is becoming part of the submissive lifestyle expected of me. Let me try to explain it again in a different way. Just like it would be a crime in our relationship if I were to enjoy the pleasure of an orgasm without permission, I think it is becoming an equally important tenant that I be feminized. While I was in denial about the effects in the beginning, I now admit I’m much more obedient when I don’t cum. I also now embrace that I’m also far more obedient when I’m feminized. It’s hard to resist a dominant woman when she dresses you up like a girl and exercises merciless control over your releases. It also makes you much more accepting of correction and discipline. So while I sit here trying to explain this to you with my long face burning red, my cock is once again throbbing hard. I want to be that submissive. I want to be that obedient. Therefore, the part of me that wants to be feminized is growing ever stronger in the battle against the dwindling minority part that does not. There… I said it. I want to be feminized. It helps me be a better submissive. I want it for me and I want it so bad I would beg for it.

Where this will all end up I don’t know. Over the course of the last many months the fantasies have grown in intensity. I don’t remember when it was now that I first told Domina that I was having desires to be trained as her sissy slut. I do, however, remember the pit of my stomach dropping out at the shock of her reply that she wants it also.