First Post by marisa

While I do believe the environment in which kids grow is overly sexualized and exposes them to adult themes too early in life, young people have much more availability to openly discuss these subjects. That is a good thing. For us 40 somethings, we still have one foot on both sides of the door when it comes to openly talking about mature things. That’s what’s so wonderful about hosting a blog. We can talk about some really personal subjects and know the majority of our readers are interested supportive listeners. Trust me, I have a lot of strange feelings and emotions going on right about now and this is an invaluable outlet…

Last night was a very cozy evening. Domina came over to my house and we watched a movie with the kids. It was just a relaxing family night that we were overdue to have. We all packed it in for the night around 1 am. The kids have got their summer schedule running. I did my best to hang with the crowd but I dozed through the second half of True Grit nonetheless.

When Domina and I retired for the night, I wasn’t sure what to expect. She had indicated how amorous she was feeling earlier. Watching me intently as I undressed before her, she noted how I was wearing one of her favorite pairs of panties. Even though it is long established expectation that I be in panties every day without fail, I still think it makes me blush a bit in these situations. I indicated that she had left them with me and therefore they were fair game for me to wear. That was enough though to light the submissive spark in me. I have not been allowed to cum since father’s day, so I have about three weeks of sexual tension built up. Climbing into bed, I couldn’t resist touching my mistress. I caressed her contours and gently kissing along back and shoulders as I spooned her. I felt the goose bumps rise up along her legs as my hand glided down her body.

Feeling the heat of my flesh and the anticipation in my breath, her dominant side kicked in accordingly. She informed me I was to give her an orgasm. While I pleasured her pussy with my fingers, she reached behind herself to squeeze my cock and balls only to let go on occasion when she could tell I was close to having an accident. “You want to suck a cock don’t you?” she inquired.

Well my friends, all I can say is to really be sure you want what you ask for. There was a time when Domina and I first started dating that I had asked for her to control my orgasms. Now I can count the number of times I cum in a year on my hands. There was a time when Domina said if she wanted to date a crossdresser she would just become lesbian. After experimenting with how panty training kept me in a submissive mindset, we are now exploring sissy lifestyles and testing the boundaries of emasculation. Once upon a time we wanted to be exclusive. Now I have vowed to be a supportive cuckold and she is desirous of watching me have sex with another man.

Our conversation continued while she teased me. “Yes, Ma’am. I want to suck a cock while you watch.”

“Sissy pet marisa, whose cock would you like to suck?”

Still not feeling attracted to men I gave the best answer I could. “I don’t care whose cock, Ma’am. I just want to suck one.”

“And how would you suck cock, marisa? Tell me how you would do it.”

I paused a moment. My brian was numb as I sat there trying not to cum while focusing on her impending orgasm. I had to really imagine what blowing a man off would be like to give an answer. I explained how I would lick it up and down and get it wet in my mouth. I told her how I envisioned my head bobbing up and down over the shaft. At this point I could feel the juices between her legs increasing as I knew she was picturing it in her mind as well.

“And you’ll turn around and hold your ass cheeks open so he can fuck you, won’t you?”

“Yes, Ma’am, if that’s what you want.”

Panting heavily she replied, “Yes! That’s what I want!”

In the movie Midway, Henry Fonda plays the part of Admiral Nimitz. Nimitz is in the hot seat because he’s abandoned his defense of Hawaii and the west coast and sent the US navy to repel an uncertain Japanese invasion of Midway island. People back in Washington is uneasy. In one of his more memorable quotes Fonda says, “It’s miserable waiting for an attack on your own people, hoping to hell that it happens.” Now, nothing in our D/s life over here is that life threatening, so this is a really bad comparison. I don’t think Nimitz walked around with a hard-on hoping to get the battle on. But what I am trying to convey is the sense of anxiety, uncertainty, and eager anticipation that Domina and I are in right now.

Please understand me, I’m not complaining. That fact that many of the D/s decisions we have made have not come to fruition yet isn’t a bad thing. It’s actually a very good thing. I think it shows are dedication and patience so that when certain things do happen we will be mentally prepared and fully embrace the changes without hesitation. The big one that comes to mind is cuckolding. We talked long and hard about this one! Would she have feelings of guilt? Would I become resentful in my jealousy? Together we came to the conclusion that we are mature enough to take this step and that it will meet our needs both as individuals and a couple. I vowed that evening to be a loving and supportive cuck and she reassured me that as of that point on I had no more say in the matter.

There are other big issues out there. Lets take gay sex for example. Domina wants to watch live gay porn sooo bad. It’s been one of the most talked about fantasies we share. It originally was something that I said I wanted to perform for her enjoyment. It made me feel very submissive to entertain the thought. Now, we’ve envisioned it so long, it has become a shared desire that we both want to come to life. Another is sissy training. Truth be told, neither of us realized it at the time but I’ve been in sissy training since the first time that Domina told me to start wearing panties. Submission fostered by emasculation has been out there for a long while now, but we’ve been very slow to progress. And to say again, this is a good thing. If you’ve read us from the beginning you’ll know how we started with a large list of rituals. It was too much change, despite desires, for two inexperienced people at the time to turn on a dime. We felt horrible when things didn’t work. It was because we dove in too fast. Now we have the experience that changes are much easier to handle.

But to get back to our Midway quote, I’m a sexually frustrated mess. I’ve donned the mantle of being a sissy gay cuckold, however, I’ve not officially been cuckolded yet, I’ve not sucked a single cock, and I’m hardly experienced as being a sissy maid. I’m in a horny purgatory. Not long ago I wouldn’t have dreamed I desired to be all these things. Now I’m saying, “It’s miserable waiting to be a bi-cuck for my mistress, hoping to hell that it happens.” There is always the escape that it doesn’t have to happen. But once I pleasure the first penis that isn’t mine and Domina takes on her first lover, it’s game over. I can’t undo the labels. No take backs. Instead of nervously imaging how it will feel, I’m ready to take the plunge and embrace the consequences of our new lifestyle. I know it’s better this way than having rushed into these things, but days like today I’m a horny wreck. With stressors like work and recent court matters, sometimes I can go a week or two without thinking much of it. But eventually the loving intimacy which is our relationship coupled with the orgasm denial catches up to me. I beg to be able to masturbate. Domina and I will go out on a date with some hot making out. Eventually the impending doom of being a sissy gay cuck storms back and hits me like a brick wall.

With all this as a backdrop on my emotions, I continue with our story of last night. As we left off Domina was teasing my cock while I was manually stimulating her to orgasm. She asked me to describe how I would suck cock for her and made me admit that I am willing to open my ass open for a man of her choosing to fuck me. My head was reeling in a fog when she then asked me, “How are you going to worship me?”

“I want to worship your body and pleasure you. I want to cook for you and clean for you.”

This answer pleased her as she told me how she would like to come home every day with me naked and collared ready to serve her, provide oral pleasures, and draw her bath water while I cook dinner. I will sit at her feet while she dines and she will feed me her scraps when to eat off the floor when she is done. This vision of the future satisfied us greatly.

Gaining some control, I dared broach the subject. I was 99% sure I knew what the answer was going to be, but I was too desperate not to ask. “May I please be inside you, Ma’am?”

“No”

Not provided a reason why, I speculated what the answer was. First off, being denied entry is a step further advanced from mere orgasm denial. But the real reason I think was much deeper than that. Since being renamed marisa on naked secretary day three weeks ago, I’ve only been inside Mistress once. I don’t think that would have happened either except that she generously gave me an orgasm for father’s day. Even though Domina loves my penis and tells me it is large, the simple fact is I’m a sissy now and she is free to have other men. The unspoken lesson seems to be that perhaps I should get use to having less intercourse like a man and expect to be penetrated more often. As our older readers know, Domina very rarely cums vaginally. Over 99% of her orgasms are achieved by clitoral stimulation. Physically, I need intercourse more than Domina and she has the power to pick and choose when and if she needs it.

So there I was feeling the rush of juices between her legs as I helped Domina to cum. My throbbing erection was inches away from the promised land but unable to enter. I was overcome by the emotions of being a sissy sub. A real man would be inside her making love like a man I thought. It struck me how Domina has started calling me pet marisa in private and referring to me in the feminine here on the blog. Humiliated and excited I continued to pleasure Mistress when she asked. “Are you worthy?”

“No Ma’am.” I whispered.

“That’s right you pathetic sissy. Gay sissy.”

Domina eventually came. The night had started our beautifully romantic. In her quiet relief, the tone changed again to feeling romantically close in the dim lights. I wanted to hold on to her for dear life, but I was scared my hard cock and writhing body would be far too disturbing. Eventually I fell asleep too and found myself some time later with my arm around her. The morning arrived and she was dressed and about to leave. Feeling deeply in love and sexually frustrated out of my mind I reached up to meet her kiss. It abates her fears I hope, but the more closer we move toward me being her sissy gay sub, the more delirious I am in desire for her. Desperately I kissed her. She smiled back at me as she headed for the door. She paused before exiting. “You can beat it.”

I peeled back the covers that hid the modesty of my full blown erection. Frantically I started jerking away at my penis, amply lubricated with precum.

She watched this helpless display for just a few seconds. “That’s hot”, was all she said. Then she slipped out the door and left me alone to my agonizing devices.