Meltdown

Well, it all came to a head this weekend....

Too much stress, too broke, for too long, too much transition in a short amount of time...it has all taken a toll and anthony and I and we had quite the blow up on Saturday night. I won't post the details here, but let's just say that anthony and I are not typically people to lose control like this, and we both did. Honestly, his reaction was legitimate to my behavior, so the fault is totally mine. It was rough, but we seem to have bested it, and are moving on.

I really am not surprised. For months, I have been feeling on the edge. I have been really trying to temper it, and walk away when needed, to alleviate the stress level, and do what I can to take a deep breath. I have been desperately trying to show my emotions in front of the kids, and I think I do pretty well. Trying to give them a stable home life, because God knows they deserve that, but sometimes, something just has to give.

It didn't work, finally came to a head. Sigh. I feel rotten, but am slowly moving past it. anthony has been amazing, he has totally moved on, it is not even phasing him now, and this evening we spent some nice time together. Sometimes you say and do things that you can't take back...but you can choose to forgive and move on.

For months, both of us have been an enormous amount of pressure. Jobs, me not having a job, being broke, anthony filing for divorce, difficulties with his oldest girl, trying to get/keep our D/s on track, dealing with my tenant and all that drama, anthony's parents, his brother, my brother-in-law's illess, it seems that it is just one thing after another, and there is never a break, and never a stop to any of it. We are on, and have been on, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, for so long, and not in a good way. We never get a break....

I am trying desperately to be all things to everyone, and failing at all of it. anthony is trying to support the free world financially and emotionally, it is all just too, too much. I really can't belive all that we handle in a week. Geez.

anthony said it best last night, all we do is handle things for other people, it seems like it is something every day, and it's all we ever talk about it.

It's really no wonder this hasn't happened sooner, although, don't get me wrong, I wish last night had never happened at all. I am still pretty upset, but trying to move on. anthony is being amazing. I love him so very much.

He is off now spending some time with his Dad, watching the SuperBowl, and I am at home alone for the first time in a long time. Truly alone. It is nice, very quiet, and I decided to write a short post with my time, oh and finish up some laundry : )

I know that better days lie ahead for both us, March will better financially, I have a new, great, tenant moving into my house, and it will be a 3-paycheck month, tax returns will be coming in for both of us, and we can get caught up on some things financially. Which, I know, will help alleviate some of the stress.

I have hopes on getting a better paying job, second interview went well, and in my follow-up email to my contact last week, he said that they should be moving forward shortly...sounds like I am at least still in the running, so that's good. The extra money would definitely make a huge difference for us. The job would be more stressful yes...but probably worth it.

I thought I would feel more confident, stronger when I went back to work, but I don't really, I am sorry to say. The people are great, but I am underemployed, and I can feel it. I am SO grateful to have a job, and again, the people are really awesome, but I feel underutilized. But it has only been three months....sigh.

And I don't feel dominant at all..not at all. If anything I feel submissive. anthony is still paying all the household expenses....I am paying my bills, mortgage, car payment, car insurance, etc, and I put groceries on the table, and I put clothes/underwear on the kids, I try and take care of most of the household stuff, so I can at least alleviate that burden for him. But still, I know he needs help with the expenses, and it's just not feasible right now, so I feel bad about that too.

Like I said, things should get better for us in March. I want so very much to help him more financially, I feel like nothing but a burden sometimes, and it is very hard to feel dominant when you feel like a burden to someone, for sure. Sigh.

We have been having trouble with his oldest, and that is frustrating the hell out of me. I know it is frurstrating him too, but he handles it so much better than I do. I wish I could be more like him.

So that's it for now, not our best weekend, and during the next few weekends we have to get ready for my new tenant. But anthony seems to think we can work and play in the same weekend. I hope so, I want to believe that, I am just so very tired, and I love him so much.

Take care all, and have a great week-

-D